Washington – Amid mass protests and against all semblance of logic, on Monday afternoon, President Donald J. Trump presented Cobra Commander, arch-nemesis of the G.I. Joe team, with the Presidential Medal of Freedom.
First lady Melania Trump placed the medal on the visibly surprised, yet diabolically-overjoyed terrorist leader. Unsurprisingly, members of the elite special missions unit were not invited to the presentation ceremony.
“Here with us tonight is a very special man,” said Trump. “Mr. Commander is a truly wonderful individual. Someone loved, respected, and revered by millions of Americans. He has dedicated his life to the pursuit of decimation, death, and destruction. I, for one, am proud to call him a friend and ally.”
According to the White House, the Presidential Medal of Freedom is bestowed upon individuals who have made “especially meritorious contributions to the security or national interests of the United States, to world peace, or to cultural or other significant public or private endeavors.”
Tearing up, President Trump noted that Commander was “a diabolical hustler with delusions of grandeur. A real go-getter. An American through and through.” Trump continued to gush, remarking that “his ingenuity emboldens us all and I truly admire that man.”
Mr. Commander then bowed and thanked the president for his years of support. After a long hug and an enthusiastic round of applause by the crowd, Cobra Commander vowed that, despite his recent cancer diagnosis, he would continue his mission to fray the fabric of society using terrorism and tyranny to disrupt the existing power structures around the world.