New York City – Doctors claim a local homeless crust punk may hold the key to a cure for Coronavirus. The revelation came a few days ago after a man checked into NewYork-Presbyterian Hospital.
On Wednesday morning, Jason “Scudd” Tarvin admitted himself to the Lower Manhattan location to address a stab wound he received in a scuffle. Doctor Peter Schaffer was tending to his wounds when he realized something peculiar.
“I just noticed he has been in here before,” said Schaffer. “Soon after, I reviewed our records and found out he checked in 17 times in the past month for various injuries. When I asked why he wasn’t wearing a mask, he shrugged said he didn’t have one. When I asked if he was afraid of Coronavirus, he asked me if that was ‘like a metal band or something’.”
A Glimmer of Hope
Tarvin will undergo a series of tests to determine how the crust punk could have been in the hospital with no mask on and not caught the virus. Doctors are looking to see if his blood may contain a natural-born anti-body to the virus. Additionally, a medical team has been dispatched into the heart of New York to begin studying other members of the crust punk community.
A nurse interviewed by MatterHorn (who wished to remain anonymous) had her own input on the situation. “That dude has been coming to this hospital for years and he’s been homeless for the majority of it. I’m guessing he hasn’t changed his clothes or taken a shower since the end of the Bush presidency. I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s immune to AIDS at this point.”
Whatever the case may be, people are cautiously optimistic. Schaffer and others in the medical field are hopeful they may discover a cure or treatment for the virus. In time, the fight against the terrifying COVID-19 pandemic may soon be won.