Washington D.C. – Early this morning, Democratic presidential frontrunner Joe Biden announced he had made his selection for Vice President – an apple pie.
Biden claims the idea came to him while he was watching the 1999 comedy film American Pie. “During the scene where Jason Biggs fucks the pie, I said to myself, Joe Biden, what’s more ‘American’ than apple pie? And then it hit me!”
While Biden was sure he wanted an apple pie as his running mate, his decision didn’t come lightly. Biden told MatterHorn that he weighed his options very carefully. “I went to the local Costco and began an exhaustive search for the perfect pie,” said Biden. “I couldn’t decide if I wanted a Dutch, French, lattice, frozen, a good old fashioned pie… it was a tough call. And don’t get me started on the types of apples it was made with.”
“Pieden with Biden”
After Joe’s announcement, his campaign team released the pair’s new slogan – “I’m Pieden with Biden” and made their feelings known about his decision. “Joe Biden’s appointment was a very brave and progressive choice,” said his campaign manager Greg Schultz. “We’re confident this is the right move for the party. We have no doubt this will secure his victory over President Trump in November.”
Despite praise from much of the Democratic community, others expressed distress and resentment. “Look, we all love apple pie, but Joe promised he would choose a female running mate,” said Senator Elizabeth Warren. Kamala Harris had similar feelings about the nomination. “I’m a bit mystified and pretty disappointed,” remarked Harris. “He could have at least chosen a confection like ladyfingers or a nice blackberry cobbler.”
Biden has plans to return to the campaign trail as soon as the Coronavirus stay-at-home orders have been lifted. He announced his first stop will be the apple pie capital of the world and home of former rival Bernie Sanders – Burlington, Vermont.